I’ve started this post several times and somehow just never got out what I want to say. Mainly because of my fight with the “it’s no one’s business” mindset. But in the spirit of sharing here is what’s going on in our lives. We’ve decided to foster to adopt! (Infants) We’ve been trying to adopt now for over 3 years. 3 very long years and nothing has stuck. So, we feel like this is the way for us to go. The process has been hard and long. Stressful. Emotionally draining. We are trying to keep our eyes on the end though and how we are going to end up with the child of our hearts.
We’ve been shocked really, not by the process but by the response we’ve gotten since making this decision. From family and close friends to strangers we have had a mix of good and bad comments. Overall people are happy for us. They are excited that we get to care for a child and have a baby in our home. It always comes with a warning though. It’s always, “It’s going to be hard.” Or “You’re going to get your heart broken.” Even, “I don’t know that this is a good thing for you, you get too attached.” The interesting thing is that ALL these comments come from people who have biological children and have never fostered or adopted. I’ve tried to politely smile and say, “Yes we know this is going to be hard.” But here’s what I would really like to say;
Don’t you think every day of our lives is hard? Don’t you think that it kills us that we can’t have children? Do you have any idea how much pain we’ve been in the past 4 years as we’ve adjusted to our lives? No, you don’t. Unless you’ve been in our shoes and you’ve walked this path, I promise you, you have no idea the pain, the hurt and the frustrations we go through. We had to make an impossible choice. We had to choose my life or continuing infertility treatments to maybe have a child. Do you have any idea how agonizing that decision was? Do you have any idea the pain and the guilt I live with every day of my life because of that? Do you have any idea the pain that goes through me every time I see the longing in my husbands face when he plays with our nieces and nephews? Do you know how much I struggle with anger over the impossible position we’ve been put in? Do you know what kind of pain we are in? Unless you’ve walked this road, you don’t.
My husband has never ever made me feel like I’m at fault. He’s never made me feel like he resents me or had any type of anger because I am the reason he has no children. He’s never ever had a snide hidden comment about how I could have sucked it up and gone on a little longer. When he more than anyone has a right to question, to be angry, to lash out he doesn’t. He holds me when I cry and says, “God has a plan.” He tells me not to listen to fears and struggles going on inside of me. He pulls me up from the hole I sink into and he fights for me. When I’m the reason he doesn’t have what he wants, he still loves me. By standing beside me and holding my hand he showed me his love by choosing my life over any other.
I feel like if he can do that then I can move on from people’s comments. I know deep down there is concern behind the words. I know that, but above all, we need support. We know what we’re getting into will be heart breaking. We know that. We know we’re going to get hurt, that we’ll get too attached, but in the end, we are going to do it. We are going to choose to give the love we have to a child in need. We are going to choose to not dwell on our hurt and our pain but sooth the pain of a child. We are going to give ourselves with no strings, no walls because these kids deserve nothing less. As much as I want to whine about how unfair life is, it’s nothing compared to the trauma these kids have been through. If we have love, a home and an open heart, why would we ever hold ourselves back? If anyone needs love and a home, these kids in foster care do. So, there it is. That is why we are taking the leap. Why we’ve chosen foster care. Because we have a home, we have love and we have an open heart ready to shine love and light into a child’s life. Blood doesn’t make a family, Love does.