The Struggle

So it’s been almost a month since I posted. A LOT has been going on, we have been redoing some things in our house. One of the things I’m doing is getting our spare room ready to be a nursery! I’m getting a crib this weekend so I have to paint this week. (I can hear Joe groaning in dread.) Our lives have been extremely busy and sometimes it feels like I barely get the time to breathe much less sit down and write a post for you guys.
However, I’m going to be open and raw with you guys. I’ve avoided sitting down and writing in the few minutes I’ve had free. Not because I don’t have things to say or things I want to talk about but because of how I have been the past month personally. Please don’t take what I’m going to confess here the wrong way or think that I’m whining. I’m simply sharing our lives and I have to be completely honest to do that. I’ve been avoiding writing because all the posts I have wanted to write just didn’t feel right. I felt like I couldn’t put all of me into them because I’ve been struggling so much this month. It’s spring time, and it seems like every time I get on any social media someone is announcing they are pregnant. I am thrilled for every one of the sweet couples I know that are getting this miracle. I don’t want this to come out like I am jealous and not happy for anyone who is pregnant. If you are pregnant I am absolutely over the moon for you!
When you can’t have children there is a roller coaster of emotions that you go through. You can be up one moment and perfectly fine and the next you can be crying your eyes out over the simplest thing. Over painting a room, getting a crib and thinking how long is it going to be before this room is filled with the joy we’re waiting on. Now I’ve had people tell me I shouldn’t be doing a nursery. They say it will make it worse, but here’s the thing. How can I say I believe with all my heart that God has a baby for us when I don’t act on that belief? How can I say it could be today when He brings us our miracle if I don’t act like it IS going to happen today? It might be hard on me. I may close the door and not look in that room for months. But it’s something I have to do. I have to act on my belief. If I don’t, do I really believe it?
So that’s the honest truth. I’m struggling. I want a baby so much that my heart aches. I want the joy that I see in everyone else around me. I want to hold that sweet miracle and be a mom. I want to see Joe be a dad. I want to see my mom be a grandmother and my brothers be uncles. I want the life I’ve been dreaming about. My life as it is, it is wonderful. I have an amazing husband who shows me love like I didn’t know was possible. I have a wonderful family who love me and support me. I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful but I’m also struggling. We’ve been waiting on our miracle one way or another for almost four years now. I know that is nothing compared to some who have waited and are still waiting for much longer. It doesn’t get easier. In fact, I think it gets harder. There are moments of desperation. There are moments of anger, doubt, frustration and grief. There are moments when you feel like it will never happen. A lot of my doubt and anger is directed toward myself. It’s self-doubt, it’s anger at myself. It’s that, “I should have been stronger. I should have done more.” Kind of anger. As much as I would like to believe I had that kind of control I didn’t. Not really. My body took that decision from me. Honestly though, we never really are in control are we?
So there it is, laid out in all the ugly raw truth. If you take the time to come read about our journey I feel like I owe you the raw truth. The raw truth right now is simple, it hurts. Sometimes more than others and right now it’s worse.
But we keep on. We will paint the nursery this week. We will set up the crib this weekend. We will keep believing and acting on the belief that it could happen today no matter what. I refuse to let what I see around me dictate what I know I will have.
If you have stuck around this long, Thank you. I promise not to be such a downer next time. Thank you for your love, your support and your prayers. We appreciate each and every one of you.

Rachel

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4 thoughts on “The Struggle

  1. Sweet, Rachel, I know exactly how you feel. I did a nursery and some people thought that I was just asking for heartache. We waited for 14 years before we finally got the call to come meet Derrick. He had just turned 5. I was excited, but still I wanted a tiny baby so bad! We took Derrick and it was WONDERFUL!!! Tim had a new best bud. I had a new little sweetheart that took me on dates and opened my door for me. It was God´s timing, not ours. We left the nursery up. I was not giving up. Even child services told us that Derrick had seen so much bad in his short life that we would not be getting any other children. I was crushed, but God knew better. Two years later we got the call that a new little boy was born and was addicted to drugs. I wanted a baby so bad but wasn´t sure if this was the right fit for us. So naturally, my heart out-weighed my brain. We went and met our little Matthew…meaning Gift from God. Not knowing at the time that Matthew had a lil 4 yr old princess at home. So, now 12 years later we have 3 beautiful children that feels like we gave birth to. Moma has always talked how I had a much harder time giving birth than my sisters…mine came through the heart instead of the womb. God has the pieces to your unique family out there somewhere and He will put the puzzle together when He is ready! I am anticipating the call that you have your pieces!! And we are coming to visit when you do!! Love you, little Moma!

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  2. I know what you are going through and you hit the nail on the head when you said “we never really are in control”. That is something most couples never think about and may never realize but for us it will make our miracle even more miraculous! Praying and believing with you.

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  3. Rachel you are at the point my daughter in law was when God miraculously dropped a precious bundle of joy right into her arms!
    Don’t lose faith! Keep believing!
    Hugs and prayers for you and Joe!

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